The monkey (homo sexualius) is an animal that looks like a small human who's mum drank too much while they were in womb and somehow grew fur. They don't really do much all day than go ooo ooo aaa aa and commit tax evasion. When they are not being burdens on the animal kingdom they enjoy eating fruit, throwing poo at each other, and starting the Gombe Chimpanzee War; yes that's a real thing. They also enjoy enjoy eating each other which is just delightful.
Napoleon Bananaparte, famous Gombe Chimpanzee war commander. He was known for being a bit bananas.
Monkeys live in parts of Africa or Asia, so thankfully they are far away from where I live. They come in all shapes and sizes: some fat, some skinny, some looking like your mother. I think God made them as a joke that went too far and now we have ones with big noses, weird eye patterns, and there is one in North Korea who smokes ciggies who is a pretty cool monkey in my books.
Look at this absolute lad, cam on son. Truly North Korea best Korea.
Since the dawn of time monkeys and humans have been at war at who can be the best homo of them all. As history went on however it's clear us humans came on top and these days we absolutely own them by destroying their rainforests and wiping out their kind in mass numbers. Some monkeys who have infilitrated Hollywood have tried to cope by releasing their favourite anti-human torture fantasy film series "Planet of the Apes" where monkeys take over control of the Earth, but that's as far as they have bothered and haven't even tried to make their own simian flu, thinking pro ape propoganda will be enough to awaken their ape brethren (idiots...)
Prime monkey copium
Honestly the amount of monkey copium these days is hilarious. In the past I've gone to remote parts of Asia or Africa to taunt the monkeys out there and it has led to a few scraps, thankfully due to trusty uzi and rocket launcher however they usually back off but I know they hate me as I know too much about their dreams of one day taking over their spot on the throne of Earth supremacy. I've received packages of shit from them all over the world and whenever I walk past my local zoo I see them throwing gang signs. I laugh at all these fail attempts of intimidation and by writing this article I hope to make the proud monkey race seethe even more as damn it feels good to be created in the image of God and not a monkey. Even the Qu'ran disses ape kind, how do these monkeys cope??
God I hate monkeys so much